Who Bought Kate Middleton and Prince William’s Wedding Cake for $4,160?

BY JOHN STILLWELL/WPA POOL/GETTY IMAGES.

The royal wedding cake. 

The Daily Beast reports that a two-year-old slice of wedding cake from the Kate Middleton–Prince William nuptials sold for $4,160 at auction in Los Angeles earlier this week. How Dickensian!

The buyer’s identity remains a mystery . . .or does it . . .?

[Harp music and smoke]

The buyer carefully removes the wedding cake from her car and brings it inside the house. A royal wedding souvenir plate is already on the kitchen counter, where it has sat waiting, accruing filth and sun damage but not yet wedding cake, for two years.

Removing the royal wedding cake from its box with a royal wedding teaspoon, the woman places the dusty dessert on the plate and carries it to Westminster Abbey, which is what she calls her basement.

Downstairs, she places the plate on a gilded vanity and dresses herself in the Kate Middleton wedding dress replica she purchased at David’s Bridal. The television is already on; DVR’ed footage of the royal wedding is already playing, as it has been for two years.

“Now where is my prince?” the woman asks. “Here he is!”

Prince William is, as you were correct to assume, a cat.

“Get over here, my little royal,” the woman says, scooping up the cat. “We finally have cake for—”

“Miley?” a sudden voice yells into the basement. “Miley, you down there? I want to go over some tour dates with you!”

It’s the woman’s agent. The woman, frozen, calls out hastily, “Don’t come down here! I’m . . . smoking a lot of pot!” The women coughs loudly. “I am so blazed on marijuana right now!”

“Alright, Miley. Can you come up here then?” the agent yells back.

“Fine!” the woman says. “I’ll be up in one second.” She looks at Prince William, still cradled in her arms. “You wait here, and don’t you go talking to any other pretty girls!”

Prince William licks his paw.